Form

I've been working to stay in shape, not loose weight, just really a couple goals:

healthy baby
healthy mommy
growing belly

Simple stuff.  During my 25 minute  pre natal video the other morning (I think I get triple the work out, as all three are usually crawling all over me or Ellie and James attempt their own version of squats and stretches - a belly laugh DURING a work out must seriously increase the results...) a line from the instructor resonated with me.  She said, 'when your muscles are tired, when you feel like giving up, focus on the form and pull through. Do each rep, each step as well as you can.' Take each moment and movement and make it as perfect as you can, and you'll find renewed energy and drive for everything that follows.

That can work for much more than a prenatal work out video. When life gets tough, focus on FORM.  Form may vary from person to person; mine is routine and prayer, coffee and outdoors, exercise and focusing on one project at a time, do away with multi-tasking.  One purposeful and intentional act or task or conversation or prayer at a time.  That's my form and it pulls me through the tough times.

No Television?

What happens on a summer morning when a family of three under 4 years old don't have television?

Girls climb trees
boys tell themselves a story while climbing on a broken down fire truck
a baby tries to keep up with her sibling, diaper half hanging off, and doing her best to walk and talk
Sensory systems are full and engaged
blood and oxygen are flowing flowing flowing and dendrites are sparking at an unbelievable rate
self confidence is boosted as a 3 year old sees she really can drop from a tree with her feet 2' off the ground

communication is honed as siblings navigate taking turns, helping, coaching and mimicking the way mommy and daddy talk (I actually heard a......'you can do it James!' come from Ellie.)
And of course there are scuffles and screams and some pulls and a tugs.  But that's life.

All this before oatmeal!

Surprise!

Well hello there.

Lots lots and lots has happened since I last posted, hmmm, it looks like that was in February.  Well, in March, I got pregnant.  I didn't really know I was pregnant, just thought I was having an extra bad bout of endometriosis for 2 months!  I was 11 weeks along when I finally took 'the test'.  Alone, in the Wallgreens bathroom.  Some background: I am the awesome ripe age of 39, married for 9 years, two surgeries under my belt (literally) for endo and ovarian cysts, three adoptions (our children are 4. 3 and 1).  Life is full and although in my deepest of hearts, I hoped for a pregnancy and the experience to bear a child, I also knew that we were blessed beyond words and blessed beyond my wildest dreams with our home, marriage and three children.

There is so much pain and loneliness, anger, frustration, impatience and primarily fear, that goes along with infertility.  But somewhere along the way, about 3 years in to our marriage, we found great strength through faith, hope, 'other' focused love, and taking life one day at a time, living as fully as possible.  When one lives in the present as completely as possible, there's no room left for fear of the future. I can only speak for myself, but my greatest emotion was fear - that I would be alone - no children in my home and heart.

In that Wallgreens bathroom, looking at the two pink lines on the test, everything made sense in my life.   Our struggles, marriage, getting to know each other and love each other, getting to trust God as a generous father, learning to deal with fear, learning to cope with pain, learning to embrace adoption and trust the courts, learning to let go.  It just all made sense, and I knew that God had wanted us to have this child, at this time, at this age, after James, Ellie and Hannah.

I am almost 5 months along, feeling fine and humbly asking for prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery.

Change...

My best and most positive mental moments are when I am running. Not the first mile or the second, but when the groove kicks in around mile 3 all of a sudden I feel a surge of positive energy, focus and hope. Words start crossing my mind like freedom, breath, air, space, joy, love, commitment, focus, courage. Really, the words cross my being as I look up. I never look down and I never wear headphones, I want to change and grow, not just become physically stronger, and I believe breathing and seeing are key to growth.

It all started 12 months ago or so. I found a quote that changed my life. I say that a lot. But it did. Here was the sequence of events...
- I found the quote in my husbands paperwork, he had carried it around after he found it in Quiet Moments/Catholicdigest.com
- I started to make a slight change, I did 10 push ups that day
- the next week I moved from 10 push ups to 10 push ups and a one mile run that killed me
- from there I ran weekly and became happier and less stressed and concerned about what others thought. My inner compass became more and more clear.
- in April, I will run my first half marathon. I am proud to say that I will run with two of my sisters, Molly and Megan. Megan and I just started running this year.

I could go on and one with the list, but it's got to stop somewhere so I can type the quote. Enjoy!

'Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self confident, and more and more successful.' - Mark Hansen

It all starts with loosing the fear and taking the first step.

The photo is from a wedding I did this Fall, taken in Sonoma by the talented Anna Kuperberg.

Happy Monday

Giving thanks

I snapped this photo the other day because I was in love with the color. The soft crisp winter sunshine on our creamy white house paint, the orange door, the pot, the tiffany teal mug, the blue clogs, the chipped white table. It was a Saturday, my favorite thing to do is run in the morning, come home, make coffee, and putz in the garden as long as I can.

But, when I looked at the picture again today, I realized God has given me everything I longed for. A garden of my own, children sleeping - or so the sign says...., a great cup of joe, a home and a family, a simple garden table on a porch of a house on a busy street, freedom. Transplanted ornamental kale and succulants making their own way. Pretty great.

A Song For Simple Things

I've had this on my fridge for years, passed on by a dear friend. Maybe it was growing up on Mt Veeder with lots of freedom, siblings, fresh air and imagination - Corbin's words touch me.

'I have a heart for small and lonely things
First star; far steeple on a gathered town;
A need for separateness to heed a circling hawk,
Or know an owl's low and sleepy tremolo
Before the line of sun slices down the hills
To brighten golden boulders in a brook.
I am in love with lovely, simple things.

I've hungered long for shy and hidden things -
The plunging woodcock's amorous trilling from the sky,
A dazzle-sheen on beetle wing beneath the bark,
Old foxfire in a rotten stump I scatter with a stick,
Or cooling kiss of a milkweed silk along my cheek,
The pepper-tingle of nasturtium seeds I bite -
I am in love with hidden, simple things.'

HAROLD CORBIN

Photo by Kristen Loken / Flowers by Kathy Hoffman /

Quintessential Barrel Room...

Whewww, what a week. This morning seems like a long time ago.

I had to post this picture of a rehearsal dinner I did in the Fall. More images on this to come. Barrel room, amber tones, garden roses, rusted candelabra, amazing linen - visuals don't get better than that, wine county at it's best. Oh, and it was harvest season. I can just stare and stare.

flowers by Kathy Hoffman and photo by the talented Anna Kuperberg.

Off to rest and drink some tea.